Archive for the ‘Comedy’ Category

Daddy on “being in the kid’s doghouse”

Posted: June 28, 2013 in Comedy, Family, Fatherhood, Nariah
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As we leave the house for summer camp one morning, Nariah asks can we take her American Girl doll to Maliyah’s house that evening as she’s going over there after camp to stay until Toya gets home from work. I have tickets to the advance screening of the Lone Ranger, but its in Tysons Corner and the “rules” say be there by 7, so I would have to leave prior to Toya making it home. Those familiar with DC metro traffic will know that from Germantown to Tysons in rush hour is not a good idea.
“Sure thing baby, matter of fact… I’ll get Emily and put her in the car so we’ll already have her when I pick you up and we won’t even have to go home first!”
“Yeah daddy!!! Thanks!!!”

Flash forward…
Literally sitting in traffic with co-worker Lamont (going to the movie also), on the way to pick up Nariah (which is about 30 mins in the opposite direction of the movies during rush hour) and it is not moving at all. We have to be at daycare by 6pm and it is not looking good. Kim, (Maliyah’s mom), calls me around 5:45 “Hey Ryan… just letting you know, I’m home now so you can drop Nariah off whenever!”
“Oh ok cool, but we’re still far away and traffic’s not moving… ”
“Well, did you want me to go pick up Nariah? I’m just down the street”
“Hmmm… that actually might work! I think you’re still on the list. I’ll still head that way just in case but I’ll try to call and verify”

So we’re now we’re driving towards the camp and slowing down by each exit in case Kim calls and gives the green like for us to make our U-turn exit. We finally get the “OK, got her” confirmation and proceed for the next exit. I ask to talk to Nariah to apologize for not being there and to wish her lots of fun with Maliyah. And this is where it began. I don’t have the audio to give you, but if you know Nariah, please imagine full on sad face poutiness in a voice that would make you give her that last piece of bacon off your sandwich.

“Daddy??? I don’t have my American Girl doll…”
“I know baby, I’m so sorry, I’m stuck in traffic and Ms Kim was able to help and pick you up for me. You will be ok right?”
“But daddy, we were going to have an American Girl party…”
“I know baby, I can make it up to you, I promise!”
“Can’t you just still come? We can wait for you here….” (voice starts to crack at this point)
“Baby, we turned around and headed to VA right now, remember I’m going to the movies? I’m in traffic on the other side now”
“But daddy…. what if Ms Kim takes us to the movies and then you bring it outside to us?”
“Nariah, that’s a good idea but we’re not at a movie theater close to home. I’ll tell you what, what if I pick you up early tomorrow, and we go to Walmart and you can pick out whatever toy you want?!?!”
Nariah whimpers… “Please can we come get Emily? I really want her”
“I know Nariah… I feel really bad. What about Target? we can go there??”

At this point Lamont says “man down man down!“, and takes the phone from me to try to help the situation. I don’t know exactly what was said by Nariah, but he gave me the phone back looking defeated…
Playing this all back, Lamont gave me his version of what he saw. It was a boxing match, and Nariah had me on the ropes, and was beating me down. Body blow, upper cut, cross! He wanted to throw in the towel, but said I gave a look like “don’t do it coach!“. What he described as what happened next was that it was like the last 5 seconds of the final boxing round, I have no chance of winning the match, Nariah is still beating me down on the ropes, and then out of nowhere I pulled out the victory punch.

“Oooooh Nariah… I just thought of something… The mall that we are going to for the movies, that’s where the American Girl store is. What if I run down there, and buy you a new outfit and some accessories for Emily?”
You could hear the whole scenery change at Nariah’s location thru the phone. You could hear the sun coming out, the birds started chirping, babies were giggling in the background. I could tell by the voice that Nariah was smiling and what ever tears she had, they were not there anymore!
“Really daddy!?!?!!?!?!!? You can do that?!?!?!!?”
I looked at Lamont, and mouthed with a sigh of relief “WHEW!!!”
“Yes baby, I can do that, would that help make you feel better?”
“Yes daddy”
“Ok, so I’ll call Ms Kim’s phone when I get there and I can describe to you the outfits and you tell me which ones you like ok?”
“Ok daddy, thank you daddy!!! Do you want to talk back to Ms Kim now?”
“Sure baby… I love you!”
“I love you too daddy! You’re still the best daddy ever!”

Kim comes on the phone and snickers “Soooooooo, how much did this doghouse set you back? hahaha”
When I got off the phone, Lamont says “Man… you got out of that one! I’m impressed! I thought you were out for the count! She had you on the ropes!”
“Who you telling? I thought I was done too. I don’t think I could’ve gone home tonight if I hadn’t come up with that idea!”

Kids… They make this all worth it! Find joy in the many ways to make your children smile…  Knowing that the morning will be like Christmas morning to her when she sees what I got for her on the breakfast table will definitely mend the guilt.

Nariah says… #101

Posted: May 27, 2013 in Comedy, Fatherhood, Nariah
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We’re standing outside of the dining hall at a wedding during cocktail hour, waiting to be seated. As we’re killing time, Nariah says out of the blue, “I wish Unca CJ was here“.
“Unca CJ? Why you say that?”
“He’s fun and would get the party started.”
“Ohhh, you want unca CJ because he dances and stuff?”
“Yeah…”
“What about daddy? You already know I get my dance on. Can Unca CJ do this?”
I proceed to do a number of different routines in front of her, in the narrow space, full of people. There is obvious some sort of slight embarrassment going on between both Toya and Nariah at this point.
As I break into my 3rd different dance, saying “Well what about this? Can he do this? Huh? Can he?“, Nariah cuts me off. She points at me with this semi “shaking my head” look mixed with a little of “you’re so not cool daddy” look and says : “Daddy???? Stop….. This is not a competition…..”

Toya busts out laughing at my expense of course while Nariah goes back to eating her hors d’oeuvres with a face that kinda looks like it’s saying “finally!”

I laughed a little but on the inside I was saying “Fine! Go and get your Unca CJ then, hmph“. It was indeed funny, but I couldn’t laugh too much since she’s played me. LOL.

Nariah says… #100

Posted: May 26, 2013 in Comedy, Nariah
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Wow, really? 100? Never imagined when I started this blog that I would ever get a hundred posts about things Nariah has said.  Very cool milestone! Here’s to many more! Also coincidentally happening with this post is Nariah’s first official post on her own blog, a critique of Texas Roadhouse (the setting for this blog post actually) over at The Littlest Palate. So go ahead and subscribe to her blog for her perspective on life from a little foodie’s standpoint. The email subscriptions are managed separately from this one for some reason. And now… on to #100 🙂

We’re out in the mountains of Virginia for a wedding and we have a few hours to kill before heading to it. Nariah wants to swim in the pool, but we tell her we have to eat first, and if we have time, we’ll swim before heading out to the wedding. Since there isn’t a Texas Roadhouse “near” us, we almost have to go to one whenever we travel and see one. Their bread with the cinnamon butter…… OMG…… oops, sorry, I digress…

We end up telling the waitress that my birthday is in two days and I made a point to tell them if they bring cake and ice cream, don’t bring chocolate due to my allergy. “Oh… we don’t do that… I don’t know why tho, but I know we don’t give away free dessert. At my other job, they always give out some dessert or something for birthdays, its very cool… But yeah… sorry“.

As she leaves, I start to think what I can do for dessert since the dessert menu for some reason looked bleak today. “Ooooooh, I think I want to go back to Cookout and get that Cheerwine Float, now that would be awesome!”
“Ummmm No daddy…”
“No? What you mean Nariah?”
“No you can’t have that. If you get that, you’re gonna poot in the pool and I’m not having that!”

She got me. No comment….

Nariah says… #99

Posted: May 24, 2013 in Comedy, Fatherhood, Nariah
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First off, let me apologize for the delay in posts. I have food posts lined up to share on here and there have definitely been other “Nariah” moments, but life has just been hectic lately between the job and family life. Blogging just took a back seat. Not to mentioned we just started up Nariah’s own blog on the side for the world’s viewing pleasure. 😮
http://thelittlestpalate.wordpress.com/about/

Soooo, with that out of the way and without further ado….
(This is not “overly” humorous, moreso it was a cute pick-me-up based on the day I was having, I personally did laugh tho…)

The evening started off pretty wacko. I was at home, getting ready to leave to go get Nariah from after school care. I was kinda rushing as to not be late. I had just woken up from a 30 min nap (feel free to use this in my defense of what is about to happen), and opened the door to witness a monsoon happening. Now I knew it was raining, but not of the monsoonativic nature that was going on. So I grabbed my umbrella and stepped outside when my phone did the loud emergency distracting beep. “What now?? Oh… flood warning… ugh, that’s just great…”

So I close the door, and walk to the car…. “My keys!?!?!?”
Next was like a scene from the Old Spice commercial, look at your man, now look at me. I looked at the door, looked at the car, looked at the door again, looked at the ground, looked at the sky, looked at the car, “are you serious??!?”, looked at the door yet again, looked down the street, looked at the ground, looked at the door one more time, looked at the phone for the current time, “Oh snap, I’m gonna be late!!”

Needless to say I had to walk to school, in the monsoonado, and in my nice semi-suede grey Jordans, which now have become like anchor weights as water in some spots are up past my ankles. I also noticed that I’m out of shape during this hike as well, but we won’t go there.  Luckily at school, one of Nariah’s friend’s parents offered to give us a ride home, to where we sought refuge in the neighbor’s house while we waited for Toya to come home. This wait would easily be an hour due to DC area traffic in monsoonomic weather.

Striking up conversation, as Miss Nariah is easily capable of doing, we talked about everything with our neighbors over some cookies and juice. Two of the household members were in a bad car accident not too long ago, and we compared that with the bad one Nariah and I were in last year, which Nariah ever so animatedly described. Somehow this convo lead into talking about this house’s direct neighbors being nosey and like the police, as they were always coming over their house about every little thing.
“The Police?!?!!? Daddy, I wish we knew that last year…. when we had that accident.”
“Why you say that baby?”
“Because we could’ve used them to help us out when we got hit, instead of waiting for other police.”
“Ha ha, no baby, what she means is that the neighbors act like they are the police sometimes by the way they do things.”
With an “ohhhh I get it” look on her face she says, “Ahhhhhh, They think its Halloween… I don’t think that would’ve helped us.”

Nariah says… #98

Posted: March 25, 2013 in Comedy, Nariah
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Its the first day of spring break and Toya’s mom has surprised Nariah with bringing up her two cousins from Florida along with her as they visit with us. Unfortunately for Toya and myself, we both have to work today, but to the kids, that’s a day without parents. Shortly after eating breakfast, Nariah starts off a conversation :
“Mama Caiden… you’re in charge today ok?”
“Ok, I’m in charge. Now the first thing… you and your cousin need to come back in the kitchen and clean off your mess from the table.”
“Aww man… why?”
“I’m in charge right?”
“Yeah but… you’re supposed to be in charge of FUN stuff, not that kinda stuff!”

http://agimpylife.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/in-charge3.jpg

Nariah says… #97

Posted: March 10, 2013 in Comedy, Family, Nariah
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I know it’s been a minute since I’ve posted anything. And no, Nariah hasn’t stopped with her humorous ways. I’ve just been slacking. I’m trying to get back on the ball.
We went to the playground today, and Nariah ends up meeting and playing with a couple of girls, one of whom is a couple of years younger. They are playing with a baby doll the other girl brought with her when all of a sudden she looks at Nariah’s face and says, “Wow… why are you teeth so big!!?!?!?!?”
As a parent overhearing this you wonder if your child is about to get their feelings hurt, start crying or any of the other possibilities. Silly me… I forgot who I was talking about, this is Nariah. She, in a almost “duh…” type response, replies “Well… my teeth fell out….”
Now the other girl is even more shocked. “Your teeth fell out?!?!?!  What the what?!?!!“.  Ok, so maybe “what the what” wasn’t said, but my mind surely did insert that into what seemed like the next logical thing out of this kids mouth was, given the conversation.
“Yeah, I’ve lost 4 teeth, and I have 3 loose ones right now…“. Nariah then started giving this girl history of her teeth, from the fateful day when a wagon broke her first tooth at daycare to how she gets Tinkerbell instead of the Toothfairy to deliver her teeth money.

Toya and I just sit on the swings chuckling as we witness what started out as an potentially sensitive topic become a campfire storytelling session.
What’dya know? Crisis adverted.

big teeth paci

Nariah says… #95

Posted: December 26, 2012 in Comedy, Family, Nariah
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We’re sitting at the dinner table on Christmas day. Somehow the subject came up about Ledo Pizza. I mentioned “Man… Mommy and I do not like Ledo’s! But it seems everybody in MD loves them for some reason!”
My mom asks, “What’s wrong with Ledo’s?”
“Well, I think its just not good, that’s all. I mean, they only give you one pepperoni per slice of pizza, and its like a pepperoni cup, filled with grease, lol”
“Eewww daddy!”
“I mean, the last time I was there, I didn’t even get pizza, I got lasagna… And they served it to me in a bowl!”
Toya looks up from her plate; “A bowl? come on now Ryan…”
“I’m serious! It was in a bowl, and it looked like soup, there was a layer of grease sitting on top of it. I literally soaked the top of the lasagna bowl up with some napkins… Hmmm, does that make me bourgeois bougie?” (I know “bourgeois” is the right spelling, but “bougie” just looks and flows better)
Toya contemplates; “Uhhhhh”
And then Nariah chimes in; “No daddy, that doesn’t make you bougie!”
“It doesn’t? Why thank you Nariah!”
“It makes you particular!”

Now the whole table is laughing at me. I think even Toryn was laughing too. And the whole time Nariah has this look that said “That was good wasn’t it daddy? Come on… give me some credit!”

Hmph!

Nariah says… #94

Posted: December 14, 2012 in Comedy, Family, Nariah
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Its Sunday afternoon. We’re leaving the indoor pool from Toryn’s make-up swimming lessons. Normally after lessons during the week, Nariah goes to Subway for dinner. She asks can we do Subway for lunch. Toya replies “Subway is for people who actually get IN the water, did you get in the water?”
“No… but can we still get it? I’m hungry.”
“Toryn can get Subway, but I don’t think he wants any, so we’re gonna eat at home.”
“Please, I would really like some Subway.”
“Daddy bought a lot of groceries last night, we’re gonna eat at home.”
“That’s right, I spent $228 dollars last night at Giant, we have plenty of food to eat at home.”
There’s about a 4 second moment of silence in the back seat, but you can hear the gears turning in her brain.

“I was gonna suggest that you use mommy’s money to get Subway…”

This girl gets her manipulation on!

Nariah says… #93

Posted: November 6, 2012 in Comedy, Nariah
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There isn’t must backdrop or prelude to this one as this was a short and completely random outburst from our daughter Nariah. Hmmm, let me go on a tangent for a second here. As a parent I’ve seen a few posts online on some parenting websites with comments using “DD” and “DS”. I’ve never actually paid it any mind until a co-worker of the brand new parent persuasion asked me about it. So we proceeded to Google this acronym so that we could remain “hip” and “current”. Darling Daughter and Darling Son?!?!?!!? Really? Who says that? I tried vocalizing “Man, I was almost late to pick up my Darling Daughter from school” and it just sounds so much cooler saying “Nariah” or even  just “Daughter”. Sorry, I’m back. I just had a mental relapse when I thought; what if I actually typed “this was a short and completely random outburst from our Darling Daughter Nariah”? LOL

And back to the random outburst. We’re driving home from visiting the grandparents in NC. Completely out of the blue, Nariah says :
“We have a very silly family…. And I think its cool! I love it!”
And immediately she goes back to playing with her leappad explorer.

Huxtables, we’re taking over!

Nariah says… #92

Posted: October 12, 2012 in Comedy, Nariah
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It was the first fairly chilly weather on this particular morning I left for work. I grabbed the first medium weight jacket I felt out of the closet and it happened to be my “sporty” UNC jacket.
That evening I picked up Nariah from her after school care and we’re walking to the car talking about the day like normal. After getting her all buckled in the back seat, I pull off when she starts this dialogue :

“What’s under your jacket daddy?”
“What? What do you mean?”
“What do you have on under your jacket?”
“Oh… Ummm, my blue and white button up shirt. Why do you ask?”
“Oh, I was wondering if you went to work today.”
“Ha ha, yes baby I went to work. What made you wonder that? My jacket?”
“I just wanted to make sure you wore something professional looking in case it wasn’t your day off!”

Sigh, this kid here. I have to be on my Ps and Qs at all times! I’m noticing now if she sees me dressing in the morning she can tell when its my “Off” Friday and that gives her reason to inquire if I can pick her up early to go to a movie or something. Slick I tell you.

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