Posts Tagged ‘comedy’


Halloween was last night, and of course I was in character trying to speak like Thor while our family went trick or treating. It was getting late and Nariah and her girlfriends from school were hesitating on which way to continue their journey. I told them, “Fair maidens! We must quicken haste with thy decision before Hera comes at thee!

Nariah was not amused.

Daddy, Hera is not Norse….

Me: blink blink… Blank stare…. Blink blink….

What could I say? I totally meant Hela… And yes, I know the difference between the Greek Hera and the Norse Hela. But at that moment… I felt really dumb.

Why is she so smart? She didn’t have to call me out in front of everybody! Lol

Image result for helaImage may contain: 3 people, people smiling, people standing and night

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I know it has been a loooooooong time since I’ve posted to this blog. Things have been pretty busy in the life of an autism parent. I’m striving to do better and get back into blogging… so without further ado, Toryn made me laugh tonight.

We’re sitting on the couch watching tv, just us fellas. Toryn wants something to eat and he pulls me to the pantry. I list off several items until he stops me when I say peaches.
Cool! We’re gonna eat some peaches… We’re gonna eat some peaches!“. I take him back to the living room and start doing the food vehicle sounds for him while I feed him.

Car? Ambulance? Fire Truck? Motor cycle?

Fire Truck

Ok firetruck… annnnnggggghhhhhhh, whoooooooooooweeewooooooooweeeewoooooooo“. He smiles as I bring the spoon closer and he eats it.  I proceed to do this with a boat, helicopter and airplane before I decide to try something new… animals.

What does a duck say?
Quack quack
Yup.. here you go! Quack quack quack….” and he eats the peaches.
I do this for a dog, and then a cat, as Toryn gives me the correct answers each time.
Next stop, cow. “How about a cow Toryn? What do they say?
Moo“.
For some reason I decided to remix the cow sounds like I was a dj or something. “Moooooooo ma-moo-moo-moooooooo ma-ma-ma-ma-moooooo!

Toryn gave me this look like “Dude? Really? You know goodness well there is not one cow that sounds like that… Stop it… Just stop it daddy… The game is over… I don’t even want to play anymore…Just give me my peaches“. I felt like he said all of that mentally because he stared at me for a good 10 seconds. I ended up busting out laughing at him, but he was dead serious in pointing out to me that I clearly messed up the cow sound. LOL.

toryn couch


So I’m sitting here with Nariah and we’re on my laptop looking up some pizza deals to order for dinner. Well on the yahoo front page, there’s the headline stating coach Jay Gruden is “done” with RG3.
Oh Nariah… look! Washington’s coach is done with RG3!
What does that mean?
Well it means he doesn’t want him on the team anymore, aint that something?
Oh… So now what is he gonna do?…..            Be a loser?

I had to laugh at that one. Its wrong, but as a cowboys fan, that is funny.


Nariah and I are both lactose intolerant and have a history of gas wars with each other. Just a lil preface, lol.
So I’ve just picked up Nariah from school and we were on our way to swimming class.

Daddy… Mommy says I can’t crack my knuckles anymore. She says its bad. Sigh
Well… I did ask the doctor about cracking knuckles and necks and whatnot. He explained to me that you have these sacs in between your bones where the joints are, and when you ‘crack’ your knuckles, you’re essentially bursting those sacs which releases gas. And that gas release is the sound you hear. Kinda like bubble wrap we like to pop together? He said I didn’t have anything to worry about.
Ooooooh, cool!

A few moments of silence…

Excuse me daddy, I just released some gas!
Oh no! Gotta roll down the windows! Let it out!!! GET IT OUT!!! Hold your breath!” as I start rolling down the window letting in the cold fall air.

Daddy…. No. I meant my knuckle gas….

Oh….

LOL

http://bodygurublog.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/knuckle.jpeg


We were driving down to Carolina for my mom’s surprise birthday party last weekend. Coming from DC area that can be anywhere from a 4-8 hour trip depending on the traffic. Of course we are in the age range of hearing the “Are we there yet?” throughout the trip. About 2 hours outside of our destination, Nariah wakes up and asks “How much longer before we get there?
Oh… looks like about 120 minutes
Awwww man… 120 minutes? How many hours is that?
You tell me? How many minutes are in an hour?
Do I have to? 60….
Yup! Math is everywhere! So if 60 minutes are in one hour, how many hours until we get there?
Ugh…. I know its gonna be way more than I want it to be

Math lesson was officially over as I laughed at that response while she got more annoyed in the back seat and went back to sleep.

 


Comedy is realizing the pockets on girls jeans are NOT functional. They are decor only.
I picked up nariah from magic camp and she says “Daddy… i learned a new trick… watch this…. but wait… let me get some pixie dust“.
Now being that I do magic myself, I know what she’s doing with this quarter trick, or at least the main gist of her version.
Poor Nariah couldn’t get into her pocket to complete the rest of the trick. She could not divert my attention with the pixie dust search as she was going “ughhhh, mmmmmmgh, grrrrrrr, ughhhhhhh, almost there….,
I had to fight from laughing and to make sure I didn’t, I offered up: “Hey baby…. I think back pocket pixie dust is stronger than front pocket pixie dust! Why don’t you look for some back there?

Crisis diverted!!!!  The magic trick can resume… and I must admit, she’s getting good with this stuff! I better learn some new stuff to keep her on her toes!

 

 


I know it’s been a minute since I’ve posted anything. And no, Nariah hasn’t stopped with her humorous ways. I’ve just been slacking. I’m trying to get back on the ball.
We went to the playground today, and Nariah ends up meeting and playing with a couple of girls, one of whom is a couple of years younger. They are playing with a baby doll the other girl brought with her when all of a sudden she looks at Nariah’s face and says, “Wow… why are you teeth so big!!?!?!?!?
As a parent overhearing this you wonder if your child is about to get their feelings hurt, start crying or any of the other possibilities. Silly me… I forgot who I was talking about, this is Nariah. She, in a almost “duh…” type response, replies “Well… my teeth fell out….
Now the other girl is even more shocked. “Your teeth fell out?!?!?!  What the what?!?!!“.  Ok, so maybe “what the what” wasn’t said, but my mind surely did insert that into what seemed like the next logical thing out of this kids mouth was, given the conversation.
Yeah, I’ve lost 4 teeth, and I have 3 loose ones right now…“. Nariah then started giving this girl history of her teeth, from the fateful day when a wagon broke her first tooth at daycare to how she gets Tinkerbell instead of the Toothfairy to deliver her teeth money.

Toya and I just sit on the swings chuckling as we witness what started out as an potentially sensitive topic become a campfire storytelling session.
What’dya know? Crisis adverted.

big teeth paci


We’re sitting at the dinner table on Christmas day. Somehow the subject came up about Ledo Pizza. I mentioned “Man… Mommy and I do not like Ledo’s! But it seems everybody in MD loves them for some reason!
My mom asks, “What’s wrong with Ledo’s?
Well, I think its just not good, that’s all. I mean, they only give you one pepperoni per slice of pizza, and its like a pepperoni cup, filled with grease, lol
Eewww daddy!
I mean, the last time I was there, I didn’t even get pizza, I got lasagna… And they served it to me in a bowl!
Toya looks up from her plate; “A bowl? come on now Ryan…
I’m serious! It was in a bowl, and it looked like soup, there was a layer of grease sitting on top of it. I literally soaked the top of the lasagna bowl up with some napkins… Hmmm, does that make me bourgeois bougie?” (I know “bourgeois” is the right spelling, but “bougie” just looks and flows better)
Toya contemplates; “Uhhhhh
And then Nariah chimes in; “No daddy, that doesn’t make you bougie!
It doesn’t? Why thank you Nariah!
It makes you particular!

Now the whole table is laughing at me. I think even Toryn was laughing too. And the whole time Nariah has this look that said “That was good wasn’t it daddy? Come on… give me some credit!

Hmph!


I’m cleaning out my voicemail on my cell phone and I come to this one from Nariah that has me cracking up.

Hi daddy! Its Nariah! Um… I’m calling because I left my elmo purse in your car. I need it. Can you bring it inside when you come home? It has my money in it. I really need my elmo purse.

Toya chimes in from the background.
We called to say we love you!
No I didn’t…. I want my purse!  Bye daddy!

Hahahahahahaahah. I guess she knows what she wants.


It was a nice spur of the moment Saturday. We decided to go down to DC to see the MLK Jr memorial since we haven’t seen it yet. I thought it would be cool if we took Nariah’s new bike down and learned to ride on the waterfront afterwards. So we saw the memorial and rode the bike. Nice fun time. As we’re winding down, Toya is changing Toryn’s diaper at the car. Nariah and I walk to the waters edge to see the airplanes landing at Reagan airport. Now over the past month or so, Nariah has claimed that she’s speedy fast. So fast, that she is in fact, faster than everyone in the family, especially me. Sooooo, she decides to challenge me right here and now.

Daddy, lets race now, and I’ll show you I’m faster than you!
Oh boy… Nariah, now? We’ve been walking all day, and you’ve been riding your bike, and my neck is still sore from that diving incident.
Awww man, we’re never gonna race.
But Nariah, you can’t beat me. I am Daddy!” Yes, I said this in the ominous booming voice full of deep bass.
Yes I can, you don’t understand, I’m speedy fast, my legs go like this…” and she proceeds to run in place and then displays the Usain Bolt victory pose.

So now I’ve been punked… again by my daughter. Its on now!
Ok, you asked for it! Just know this, I’m not your friend right now, this is war! What tree are we going to?

We agree on the tree and… on your mark… get set… go!

Like I’m sure all parents do, I toyed with her for a little bit before winning by a good measure. I got to the tree first and did a maniacal laugh for extra fun, “Muah ha ha hahahahah, I am… DADDY!!!!!!

(A little backdrop for what happens next. I play basketball with a bunch of coworkers every Tuesday and Nariah comes with me until Toya picks her up on her way home from work. Most of us are older guys, but there are a few younger whippersnappers in there who run up and down the court like little jackalopes that drank three 5hour energy drinks and a red bull.)

Ok, this wasn’t right! Daddy, we’re racing back to the other tree, and this time, run like you run at basketball.
At basketball? I thought you said I look good out there?
You do daddy, but you’re slow, you run like this…
Nariah proceeds to sloppily jog in place like a slow zombie with her head flip flopping from side to side.
That’s how I know I can beat you!

I was dying laughing in between realizing my feelings were hurt. I guess I have to get in shape and keep up with the young whippersnappers when she’s looking.